Tired, oh so tired…

A quick note to say hello, how are you doing? I am still here but still searching and figuring out work/ my life. LoL I WISH I were figuring it out. Truth is I do not have a clue. Not a clue.

I did not get the CA job. Just too little, too late. I wasn’t out there to get a real chance at a job. I talked with the director of the program and he said the principal probably went for someone accessible, not still making plans to move. It’s alright. I am glad I do not have to find an apt., nor move my stuff, to say nothing of the cost!

I applied to another job just like the one in CA (the same national service organization) in MY city! Yeah, it may seem backwards to have applied to CA and ignoring the one here. But I wanted adventure and excitement. I doubt I’d be applying to this one if I hadn’t thought so long and hard about the CA position, so good may come from this.

Actually, I am trying to apply to a second position with the national service organization here.  On the work history, it asks for the employer’s email address, says it’s a required field. But for most of them, there is none that I know of! CRAZY! I have to say this has been the most varied and (sort of) interesting job search time of my life!

And just to add more excitement, I have to take my car into my mechanic. I am having my front brakes replaced tomorrow. And before that, I must go pay a parking fine (because I procrastinated and now, I must do this at 7:30-yawn-in-the-morning). So, yikes, early morning for me! And I cannot skip either of these, so I’d better get to sleep early!

That’s about it. Over and out- for now.

Update, kind of…

I called the program director (Tom) in CA andI learned that the principal will call him and tell him who she wants to hire, then the program director will call the chosen candidate. I assumed the principal will call me, and besides she asked for my email address- which as I might have said before, I’d think that would be if she doesn’t pick me.

He talked about how the principal might chose someone in CA because they were already there. But he gave me hope just in our talk. And the principal hasn’t called him to say she’d picked someone else. I’ve decided to go if she wants me and will have to look and get the apt. finalized in the last two weeks in July. It’ll be rough and it might require help from my CA relatives (crosses fingers) but it’d be worth it.

I talked I’ve had such trouble finding work that will sustain me and take me off of low income housing- because I want to be fully independent (!) and I am just not there! He gave me advice of moving to a new location and applying for the national service organization (almost the same program he has) by saying, I’m moving such and such time.  He is right. And I will be checking out the south, since there is a school I’d like to go to in TN.

I might even make plans to move in August! It just would be another choice, another way to reinvent myself and I am willing to chance getting into this national service organization. I felt hopeful after I talked with Tom. The conversation with Tom was nice. It made me want to be part of his program more so.

Patience, patience I have to tell myself.

In other notes, I was a sub at my old day care. I knew I had to do it, since I am on UE but I did. not. want. to. do. it. Not in the least! But the kids were wonderful. Simply wonderful. They (three and four year olds) were smart, funny and interesting. One little girl, as I talked to her after nap, pretended to be a dog. I asked her name and she said: ruff, ruff! Another child on the playground said to me: Silly Joy, Silly Joy! I told her I was SERIOUS not silly and she just shook her head no and repeated herself.

During the last ten minutes I was there, I told the kids stories. I hate how the teachers, at the end of the day, do not have a closing activity. Instead, they just play whatever the teacher gets out. I told a silly story about an elephant, only because there was a stuffed elephant and I had three boys at the time, all the girls had gone home (most of my stories are girl orientated, go figure). They loved it and so did I.

SOOOO, even when what happens isn’t our ideal idea (ha), it can have wonderful consequences.

Waiting, still…

I was suppose to hear from the principal in CA by Friday. But being that was a holiday, I am still waiting. Not much news besides that. I have no idea if I have the money and it seems too late to do this move, all the planning besides.

My weekend was uneventful. I was tickled pink though for the silliest of reasons. LoL My library was closed on both Friday and Saturday for the holiday. I thought all city libraries were closed and was a bit disappointed. BUT then I called another branch (well, it’s in the city and my library is in one of the suburbs, which explains the difference of policy) and it was open! YEAH said my heart as I reserved computer time and headed on over!

That is all for now. LoL I’ll post again today if I hear anything about CA….

Memory?

Years ago when I got my first computer, I came across a dilemma. No, it wasn’t whether to use Windows or Apple. It was the plethora of user names and passwords. In the beginning I cheated with a post it note (give I live alone, what the hey…). But I quickly grew out of that; I tend to use old telephone numbers or parts of the number and that has helped.

But this year I begun paying my bills online. I don’t want to use the same three or four numbers or combinations for finanial accounts and my user names are not some cute alias.. Some of the acounts make it easy to remember the user name and I use my email account as a user name. But for one of my accounts, somehow I never remember the user name and worse, I can’t seem to hold onto  the password( in my head). I need up clicking the  forgot-your-user-name and/or-password? And IF I remember all of that, now it asks one of my security questions!

Question: favorite hobby?  Photography.? Nope, try again. Ooookay, how about reading? Nope again!  Storytelling? I’m getting a complex- I don’t know my favorite hobby???

Finally, I give up and click on forget my password. After completing the process, I go back to their security questions. Aaaha! No wonder! None of the questions are simple elementary questions (such as, what was elementary school’s name) but dumb and forgettable (what is your favorite hobby–that changes with my mood!). I finally choose questions that I am soooo sure I’ll never change my mind about. Phew! Done. Oh, yeah, now I need to PAY the bill.

Later, I am leafing through a magazine and I see an advertisement for Delta Airlines. My mind comes alive. Delta! Hummm, what was that song…Delta Dawn. I half sing/ half say: 

“Delta Dawn what’s that ?? you have on and could it be a ?? from time gone by. And did you say…something something something…. to a mountain???.”                                                                                                             
Shoot! What was it??  I laugh and sing it again, this time with a few more words (I know, you wish I had a Utobe video of this- NO you don’t!). THEN I get it!

Delta Dawn, what’s the flower you have on? Could it be a rose from time gone by. And did I hear you say, he was coming here today, to take you to that mountain in the sky. (Don’t quote me here. I did NOT google the song!)

Maybe I should use part of that as my password!!

 (Only, I’d never do that- I will use intitals or numbers that only mean something to me…)

Up and down

Thanks Katie, Kate, Psychgrad,  Seeking Solace, and Unbalanced Reaction for supporting me! I feel like I am going crazy, up and down with this plan/decision!

You know the old saying, life happens when you’re making other plans? It’s true. I’d planned to give up on CA today. This was my last day and I really planned to call the organization’s office and tell them no. That the school that wanted me was too far out in the country and I couldn’t do it.

Then. A school IN the city called and I have an interview tomorrow at 3pm. Even after thinking and discussing it and figuring out it was not going to work (up and down, I tell you).

But I’ve come this far and I need to see it through. I’m going to do some more research on apartments.

Hoping for the best!

No news is not always good

Well, I suppose if I write this, there is news, not no news but I am perplexed and hopefully, writing will clear the cobwebs from my brain.

It seems that CA is out. I don’t believe I have enough time nor money to make it happen. Did I tell you about the principal that called me? With a quick check, oh yes I did (but I really haven’t much to add, so, that is where the no news comes in, except for my feelings…). I think it’s too little too late. I don’t feel I have the time to consider this- if I wanted it, I would just say yes. But time is short in terms of taking a trip in July. I cannot afford the airline ticket as time ticks by and time is almost as short for planning a move the first of August. I just think I give up too much: money- which I don’t even know if I have enough to give up; my furniture- including my new rocking chair; what little continuity that I have going here- not much but not much is better than none. Right?

Here is the real scoop. I wanted to go because of the fear- that I don’t have enough here to keep me going and leaving was my best option. I am good at leaving. I am bad at creating a life where I am.

Here I am, 45 and I don’t feel like I’ve begun to live my life. To create a life that grounds me and gives me some roots. I don’t know how to do that, I only know how to get the heck out of town as if being chased.

So, not going to CA may seem like a loss and it may be a blessing not to go, but I feel like I’ve spun around 365 degrees and I’m dazed. I feel so. disappointed. in. me. And I don’t understand how I am can ever become more. I don’t understand how to find what I need. It’s as if my past meets my present and I don’t like it.

On one hand, it’s good for me to face this. On the other hand, I’d rather not.

Sigh, what a blasted post. Please understand I just need to get this out. I’ll be fine. Eventually.

 

Surprise!

No, not that surprise, not a CA surprise but I had a surprise visit from my aunt and uncle from California. They were in IL visiting their son and called me yesterday to ask if they could come for a visit. They arrived about noon today and my uncle used his GPS to find a restaurant in my little suburb. LoL I usually don’t eat out, so I didn’t know restaurants in my own city.

Then, we toured the lake near my house, drove around the big city, past the famous square and past another lake and then, past the University. My uncle kept asking what is that building ahead? And I’d have to wait until we were close, then read the title above the front door! I asked him why are you seeing things I never do? I answered immediately that when you trying to get to work, it’s only natural to watch traffic!

We had such a nice time and I loved showing them the difference between my little suburb and the big city. Plus, the difference between different parts of town.

Such a nice day and extra nice surprise.

Oh, yeah, I do have news about the CA job. A principal called and I was interviewed by the principal and assistant. The only thing is the job is not in the city, but in the county. Which is fine except it means more driving (instead of relying on public transportation) and it is NOT on the beach. PLUS I have been having a major worry about whether I can afford this expensive move.

Yesterday, I went into a bad depression. Here I was excited about my upcoming visit with my aunt and uncle, wanting to straighten my apt. and I could hardly move. I think it’s because I REALLY want a change. And I want the change to be CALIFORNIA. And I fear it not being the place I want and/ or not being able to afford it.

But the good news is I was able to move through it enough to get ready for my visit and have a good time. The bad news I don’t know what is going to happen. I hate when that comes up. I know it’s natural to have worries and you have to just keep going but this is hard. It is hard to figure out what is best for me. It is hard to believe that it will all work out if I let go of control. And it’s really the illusion of control because in the end, it either works or it doesn’t.

I miss my aunt and uncle, miss the company and the conversations. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just don’t know how to accomplish that.

And maybe that is what is important about this process. That I see that I want a new direction and I want more people in my life. That my fears that neither will ever happen is part of my depression, and is a real fear. But focusing on the fear alone won’t make it go away.

I told my aunt that I needed to keep going and find out what my choices are and she said that I was going to be alright. I hope so.

Long day ahead

Cool Breeze six am

Ready or not day begins

End in sight?  6pm!

 

Well, I’m making it sound worse than it is! I’m at my old day care as a sub. My shift starts at 8 am and is scheduled until 6 pm (!) I came early to get a parking space down the street (instead of having to park in the lot and pay $1 an hour). And my supervisor said she’d try to let me go early. I give it 50/50,

I talked with one of the CA program director (I’ll call her A) and as much as I think it won’t happen (deadline is getting close. I have to let my landlord know soon and schedule a trip out before the August move.

I really liked the chat I had with A. We were discussing the different cities/ schools that are part of their program. She said not to count out one of the cities just because it’s name is hard to pronounce! LoL

I’ve been scoping out the apt. listings and they make me so excited! I could well end up on the beach or close to it! Imagine- a morning walk on the beach!

I WILL be catching up on my blogs soon. I’m missing you all but I’ve just been so busy and that dang thing about my dog eating my computer! (Non-existant- go figure!)

Hope everyone’s summer is going well. Take great care!!

 

 

 

 

Waiting

Some times I start watching a movie that is half over or more. It intrigues me to listen to the dialogue, watch the scenes . The TV guide (schedule grid w/info about the movie available digitally on my TV with a push of my remote) helps.  I enjoy figuring out what is going on. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase so to speak. Maybe I am incredibly bored. No, it’s about getting into the story line so completely that I forget all else that is going on.

Right now, that is a good thing. Waiting to hear about a job you really want is hard. When I was waiting for the director from the CA program to call my mind ran through all the reasons he hadn’t called. I knew this was a busy time and that was the most likely reason for the delay but I could imagine all kinds of snags and problems with my application. I read some where you shouldn’t use your imagination that way. I agree but that doesn’t stop me.

I am waiting for the principals to call. This past week they didn’t call as the director had said they would but he also followed that with the fact that it was also the schools finally week. So, I am imagining my application sitting on “my principals” desk, and he/she is just waiting to find the time to call me. Hmmmm, kind of nice to think of someone else waiting!

Last night I saw the last hour of a movie called The Little Black book, which would have been more appropriately called the little electronic organizer since that is the main character plays an insecure producer who raids her boyfriend’s electronic organizer to find out who he had dated in the past. What she finds is more than she wants to know and she concludes that some secrets should remain secret.

Maybe my future job/ life is the same way. I want so bad to know, to figure out. I don’t like this in-between place. But today I received an email from another day care that said: “Your resume and cover letter is impressive and we’d like to interview you Tuesday night.

I realized that I do very well when I have a challenge, when I take the intiative and change my whole life around- like when I traveled 5 1/2 years as a photographer or when I pick up and move. It’s as if I can plan really well for a new adventure but day to day plans? Ummm, what’s on tv? (blah)

It has felt like I don’t have enough here to keep me if I can I can pick up and move so easily. But there are good things to stay for, even if I don’t know how to reach them (yet) or how to move from my comfortable cacoon of my lovely apt and venture out into “the world” here. Maybe the movie sums it up for me, so I’ll just quote the last line of the movie….

                                   ******Spoiler*****

In case you even remotely want to pick up this move (think that is enough warning and way to kill the ending mood…hahaha)

 ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

 

News on two jobs

I talked to both the CA director and a recruiter from a local day care. The program director said he would send my application on to the principals of his program and that they would be calling me soon! Though there are 400 applicants (!) he said I was a strong candidate!

And I also called the recruiter from the day care in town. She is sending my application on to the director of the day care. So strange having to go through the recruiter when all she did was talk to me for five minutes. Aw, well!

So, news is good on both fronts. Will see where this takes me (pun intended)!

Next step

I worked at my old day care as a sub. I didn’t want to be there. I was waiting for a phone call from the CA job. And it was a crazy day for the fact the kids in my room were challenging and both regular teachers were out. My co-sub was also wondering why she was there, since she was missing a family gathering.

Two messages waiting for me when I got home from my temporary job. One was from the program director of the CA job saying he had reviewed my application and three references and wanting to talk to me!

The second one was from a day care here in town that I’d faxed my resume to. I will be calling her on Monday! I have to make sure I have something in case the CA job doesn’t work.

I am happy to see these developments (if ever an understatement was…!). I have been off of work for eight months. It seems impossible that much time has passed but the timing is working out. It is funny when we try to plan for things and think we MUST get things done by a certain time but in reality, our estimates are off. Sometimes life just moves at the rate that is not orchestrated by us.

As I had talked with my co-sub at the day care about the calling the CA job, she asked where in CA the job was. When I told her, she looked at me and said that she was from that town! That she was only here in WI for six weeks and was going back in July!

SOOOO, I know someone in my new town! You never know about the timing of life!

Strange dreams

Or the things our minds do to us at night…

I had strange and crazy dreams. In one, I was dreaming I was back in my theatre class. I sat down in the front row and got in trouble for touching, well, breaking open a piece of fruit, a plum I think (I told you the dreams were strange). I’d had to borrow a book because I’d lost mine and the teacher was angry about that and my breaking the fruit! I remember thinking (funny, remember thinking in a dream…) I’ll just pay for this book!

Then, all of a sudden I was getting ice cream at my local grocery store. Only, it was a ice cream store counter and I think, David Lettermen was behind the counter!! He wouldn’t sell me any ice cream, saying they were out, but I kept saying what is those cups behind you? Evidently, I was wanting a shake and there were cups lined up. THEN he called security on me and I was backing up, saying I’d just go to this other grocery store (funnily, that store’s name IS Copps).

I do love my dreams, even when they are weird.

 

The gift of hope

I have been a terrible blogger, terrible at posting and reading. Really, I’ve had a good excuse (my dog ate my computer) but still…

I am very excited about the California dreaming. Dreaming indeed! Oh, there is so much to work through and do (like, an interview soon!) before I should even start dreaming. I’ve had to hide my atlas to keep from planning the trip out there. Putting the horse before the cart, much? Well, I can simple not help it with the information that I gathered today.

First, I’ll be getting the preliminary call to discuss how this will/ could happen for me and the program. If all seems well, we will set up an telephone interview for this week! Best of all, I was proactive in getting a new reference when one of my two references didn’t get her reference in. I called another former boss and hopefully the faxed reference is sitting in their in box!

Second, I checked the rental prices and I started to have doubts…no worries… I spoke with one of the housing managers and she gave me hope. She said, yes, it’s hard to get an apartment with Section 8, but not completely impossible. When she said a lot of it has to do with the way you present yourself, she confirmed my own thoughts. I will have my work cut out for me, but I CAN do it!

Third, and not really last …more like on the first, on the top of my head about to roll towards CA… my spirits are really up. (duh, but wait…) It’s not only the excitement of the adventure. Nor is it just the training program that I am hyped up about. And my spirit is certainly not going to go away if this plan doesn’t become reality.

That is the excitement.

That the my happiness is not dependent on the CA plan. Yes, it’ll be great if it happens and I will be on the trip of my life, getting there. But what I am experiencing is a hope for my future that has been lost for a very long time. That hope is inside of me, not in the CA dream.

And for that gift, I am very, very happy. Grateful… Yes.

 

California Dreaming?

Thanks Seeking Solace, Katie and Kate for the support.

I am very excited about the new opportunity I have. I realized I could not share the name of the program I am applying to without risk of giving too much personal information. But I can share about it a bit.

The job is in California, which I guess goes to show that by applying, I am testing my theory: that California is a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there. To be honest, maybe that comes from when I was a child and my mother almost moved us there. I think I had a desire to be a California girl. I told all the kids at school (okay, I remember telling one person) that I, with a Capital I, was MOVING TO CALIFORNIA!!! Years later, I did live there but I was so busy with my job that there was no advantage, no going to the beach or LA or anything like that.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, moving to CA! I would be a reading tutor in an elementary school.  I’d learn how to administer a reading test that measures how a student is doing. I’d receive other training to help my students as well. On their web page, they said no one thus far has come into the program with training in this certain test. I have not had training, but it was presented to us by a fellow student. I plan to ask my professor for information and know something about it by the time of the interview! Also, there would be disaster training (in this day in age, I understand why but I am excited to learn more, because that would mean I had more skills for future jobs). The best part is that I’d be a member of a group helping students and learn the direction that I want to go to better my education/ future!  Me, with a future?

A side note, I would be living near where my grandmother lived. She died in 2005 but I have fond memories of riding my bike around her city. There is an opportunity to work in that city, and though it might be a good match, I want to live in a bigger city. I feel a little mystified writing I don’t want it…  We will see…

Another great thing: I worked for this same organization here in the Cheese State! It’s good that I have experience :)  and that I have a college degree. I have a real chance at this! I realize CA is a EXPENSIVE place to live but I have help with the low income housing, that would tranfer with me.

Sooooo, why am I NOT filling out the application? Because oh my gosh! DO you know how much will have happen in the next 12 weeks or so??? DO YOU? YES, I know! A ton! And a lot of it is on ME! HAHAHA or should that be bahhaahaaa? It is ALL up to me, well, except the part of them choosing me! Okay, I know I am a little silly. Ah well.

Next part of me: answer the essay questions! Okay, okay, I’m going!

Topic, topic, I need a topic- quick!

Hello. Kind of quiet here lately, huh? Can almost hear an echo. (echoooooo- see?!)  Topic. Yeah, I need a topic! Global warming? Ugh, too serious and though I’m worried, I have nothing to add constructively.  Except for this:

The US Department of Interior announced that the polar bear will be listed as threatened under the Endangered Species Act on May 14, 2008, but the listing was filled with contradictions. For example, the administration signaled that it would take no steps under the Endangered Species Act to protect the polar bear from the massive oil and gas development currently planned in the very heart of its habitat.

Quoted from National Wildlife Federation Read more here.

Sad. I think I want to pitch my car over a ravine or something or other. Can’t live with it or without… a paradox if there ever was one!

Anything else? Job? Oh, well, since you asked, nope. I don’t have a job yet. I interviewed at a Photography studio and thought they wanted me but they didn’t want to pay my watered down $ salary request. I am fine with that. If they don’t want to pay for my experience, I don’t want to give it. But, sigh, still leaves me without a job (!),

I did find an interesting lead on a job that would require a cross-country move. WoW! I wait to share more when I know if it’s a possiblity but will say that I am trying my hardest to feel the Cheese state is MY place and all of that and now I want to rock the boat and unroot myself? But even as I consider the tearing of said roots, I realize they are not deep or plentiful. So, that makes me want to reach for the sun and beach….more to come I promise!

Oh! I bought a digital camera, my first. I bought Kodak Easy Share because for I got it for under 90 bucks at Bestbuy! It’s just a basic camera but it is fun learning! I would share a photo but but WordPress gives giving me a running error. Not sure if it is WordPress or the library’s computers not letting… I want my computer fixed!

That’s about it for now. I’m going to apply to two jobs here (back to childcare…) and will report on the other job opportunity too!

Hope everyone has a good week.