I thought I had some things I wanted to share but it was too much. Sorry about that. Story of my life.
I hope all is going well with you. Don’t know if anyone notices me gone. If I can post, I will. Take care.
Hello! It’s been a long while, I know. Every time I started to post I would get stuck with the first sentence, so I’d click out. Just writers block or something like that. Now, isn’t this better? HAAAA
Update on me:1) I am driving! 2) I have almost enough volunteers for my program! 3) Spring is almost here too! 4) The year is going way too fast! 5) More work!
!) On Monday, I took the para transit bus but forgot to make my ride for Tuesday. Since my doctor had cleared me to drive already, it was a no brainier that it was time. I have been driving since Tuesday! Only problem is I have some kind of leak in my hoses and have to find out how serious it is and check the water level.
I ran some errands today- to the bank, the grocery store and thrift store and home again, all without worrying about what time the bus was coming! Yeah!
2) Just as I thought we had enough volunteers, we added eight students. And last week our university students were on spring break and we had half as many volunteers. But they are back this coming week (Yipee!) and if we can make it through it last week, we can handle the increase of kids. I really do hope we can find a few more good people!
3) It has been warmer here and the worst of winter is over. We may still get snow, but it won’t stay around. I love it at this time!
4) School will be out in June and my service year will be up the middle of July or so. Where did September go? How can I slow down the remaining months? OHHHH, I know…the fact is I have more work to finish by then!
5) I have two service learning projects and a literacy night to plan. The latter, the literacy night will be a night of storytelling, literacy centers AND my stories being preformed as plays! I have a few fifth grade students who have stopped to talk to me while in my wheel chair. I am going to try to get them on board to be the performers. Should be fun!
And the service learning! I am telling stories and talking with a kindergarten class about being nice and helping others. They are a class that has a lot of meanness going on and I hope my stories about friendship and helping others will help them a bit. Plus, they have a student who is dealing with a chronic illness, so we will use that to talk about kids who get sick and what we can do to help them.
All great fun. And a lot of work to plan! Wish me luck!
I had the best moment today 20 some minutes before work was over. I was busy returning books my students had read, searching for a few last books I need for tomorrow when the phone rang. I was at the end of the isle in the back of the book room (also my office for now) and I tried to move fast but it rang four times before I reached it. It was from a someone who really wants to volunteer for us. She said she received an email from her church and it was something she wanted to try!
I was very tired and almost could not converse beyond saying yes, we need tutors and it’s part of our after school program. Seriously, I was that tired. Plus, my ride was coming shortly. But I made myself relax and I told her all about the program and how happy I was to get her call. And the fact that I’d just finished tutoring for the day and we had been a bit short-handed made this call all the nicer.We talked about 10 minutes, then, I scrambled to get ready to catch my bus.
And oh yeah! She agreed to fax the application to my office, which means she’ll be able to start next Tuesday!
Yes, I am the luckiest person ever.
Two weeks ago I was walking alittle- I walked down one hall way and back to my office and I thought my leg was going to die. The next day I was walking and was told to take it easy (after walking about two hallway’s worth and I told my friend to go get my wheelchair, and I would take it easy. I was ever so glad when she did it.
Near the end of last week I was walking more but still dependent a lot on my wheelchair. Now, mind you, my doctor told me to transition from the wheelchair in a month (after I cast him a look for saying two months!). That was just a week ago. How slow time goes while waiting to walk!
Today- I walked three hallways to tutor my kindergarten student and back and I didn’t get tired! I walked back down two hallways to deliver my tutoring stuff and to meet a volunteer. And I still didn’t get tired!
Okay, by evening I was tired. But still. I walked!
I have to admit that I am having a really rough time right now. In some ways things are better, much better. But I am also much more aware of what my depression is about, what it means, and how hard it is to face. I don’t expect anyone to understand but there are some things I need to say and I have no one to turn to.
But don’t get me wrong. This is not a woe is me or I cannot make it kind of post. It’s an acknowledgement that I can make it. I am making it and I am doing a good job.
But the fact I can make it, am making it, doesn’t comfort me sometimes. Why can I make it? Why???
I watched a sad movie and the saddest part was I could relate too well with the main character. The best part? The fact I could relate to all four main characters, each dealing with a life difficulty or problem. No, I take that back. One lady was not. She and her husband were the sane ones. Well, the ones without the obvious life conflicts, worries (and isn’t that the kicker- obvious problems. I am sure the writers could have divulged something!)
The fact I could relate, could see all sides of the conflicts, worries, etc gave me hope. Why? Because in each case there were steps they could take, there was hope no matter what.
It also highlighted that we are all in this world, struggling to survive. Some a little more, some a little less. And it almost depends on the day to which category we fall into.
And so- I end a Wednesday from just this side of heck and wish for a better Thursday.
Good night all.
I rented a movie from the library, popped it in my DVD machine and started watching. I’ve seen this I thought as I looked at the first scene. I’ve seen this house and I’ve seen this man- wait- he is doing what? Uh, yeah, the neighbors are going to complain about his “morning break” out back of his house. Yes, I’ve watched this before!
But what it was about, I didn’t know. Not really. I only knew I’d seen it or begun to watch it another time. It was an odd feeling because I wondered if I’d forgotten because it was bad or maybe, i’d been clueness through it and that’s why I’d forgotten.
Turns out it was the latter. The movie was “My life as A House.” It was very good but a tear jerker. It seems odd that I’d forgotten it. But I know that years ago I was more cluesness when it came to movies. I wouldn’t get the little things, the subtle plots going on and it’s possible that had happened with this movie. Especially since (or maybe because) the movie was about the drama of a son and his father (and the father’s father for that matter).
Here is what I learned today from this movie. Background: A man ,who lives in a beat up shack (that his father built and left him), desides to tear it down and build a new house. This happens after he is diagnosed with termail cancer and to give his wayward teenage son something to do/ learn from.
I learned that we all have stories/ lives that are unfinished because it seems impossible to break through our barriers. When something knocks the wind out of our barriers, when we have nothing left to lose if we cross those barriers, life changes.
WARNING Plot spoilers……….WARNING…..Plot spoilers
You’ve been warned! Plot spoilers continue through to the last paragraph…
The man dying said this: He always thought of his life as a house, what ever he was living in. It didn’t have to be big, it just had to be his. He was on the edge of a cliff now and he was listening.
My own thoughts…I thought of myself watching this movie before. It came out in 2001 and I know I didn’t see it in the theatre. I must of missed some of the hints the movie gave that made it so memorable. Possiblely because I didn’t want to think about my estranged father or difficult relationship with my mother. But what I take away is I am on a cliff. I am listening.
I never thought I could make a difference in the world. I never thought I was important. I haven’t had people to listen to me, really listen. Yes, in the last 15 years or so, I have had people who have listened but not consistently or over long periods of time. I am not complaining, only realizing, as the main character realized he hadn’t been touched by another person in so long (when a nurse gave him personal attention after his diagnoses), that it is I who must listen.
And I have and I am. I am on the edge of a cliff and I am jumping. The main character told his son to just jump off the cliff and float to Catalina as he thought he could do. Then he jumped! His son, hurried to see his father reappear, did the same later in the movie.
I am jumping to my future. I am learning my new job and growing. I am finding a new way to live. And I am listening to myself. Somehow, it’s all going to be alright.
(I really should update the information to the right. It is not snowing on my blog anymore- wordpress ended that last month. Soon! I’ll do it soon!)
Instead of calling this Valentine’s Day, I should call this: A Happy-to-be-me day. The reason? The busiest day of my semester is over and I made it through! In my tutoring program at my school we had a group of nine university students begin their once a week schedule. I was almost ready for them an hour before they came and ONE minute before they came I was ready. Whew!
So, to celebrate I took the para transit bus to Goodwill and another thrift store that always has a nice selection of used items. I almost decided to take my crutches, not my wheel chair since I can walk now and I felt strong today. I am glad I did not. I was tired as it was (only had to walk in one of the thrift stores) and I was glad I did not over do the walking!
I found some great deals.Three blouses($3.99-$5.99), three books ($1.49-$2.99), and a hand mixer ($3.99) When I went grocery shopping, I got everything on my list and finished just in time. Yah!
The best part of my day? Before I left home. I called a good, longtime friend and we talked for an hour. It was so nice. Then, when I got home, I called her back and shared how the trip went. We hadn’t had a conversation like that in years. I can’t believe it’s been that long.
Another good thing about my day: I had wonderful conversations with my bus drivers. It’s interesting, having a conversation, sometimes my drivers will looks up into his/ her mirror and catches my eye as we talk. It’s a nice way to connect- says they are really listening to me. Of course they do this mostly at the red lights and only for a second otherwise.
To top it all off, my last driver carried my grocery bags up to my door (up small stairs). What a wonderful day!
Last night I fell asleep about midnight. I needed several hours to process the day. I turned on my kitchen light to make sure I didn’t ignore my alarm clock. I woke before it went off and realized it was several minutes past what I set it for. Opps. I switched AM and PM when I set my clock last night. I made breakfast, got another task completed and ran rolled to my back door, and almost immediately was out the door to my bus ride. But…
Did I turn off my toaster oven? The driver’s radio was filling my brain and drowning out any memory I had of my earlier steps (turn off the oven, turn down the temp and turn off the timer- DID I?? Don’t know!)
I get to the hotel where my meeting is being held. Called my neighbor who is the manager. She was able to check for me! Whew! It is off, I did not forget.
Fast forward to leaving at 1:45 PM. My bus comes on nearly on time and I arrive back at school about 40 minutes before I think I will. I rush to print some lesson plans, write one more and am about to print it when my ten new volunteers show up right on time. I leave my completed lesson plan on the computer, grab the mailbox that has the time sheets for the tutors and meet them down the hall.
I explain I must get the books as they are filling out their forms. My co-tutor assistant is explaining the new behavior management program we have for our kids as I bring up the books (and the newly printed lesson plan added!) and we finish the opening instructions. I am thinking- thank goodness for my co-worker! And thinking, all is well.
The tutoring session goes well. Some students were absent, so there was some shuffling and improvising but it all worked. There were books being read, words being broken down into word chunks (and put back together too!).
Oh and the poems (newly added to create fun LoL) got read too. I took my materials back to my office, straighten up a bit, slide everything away to be looked at (NOT brought home to do!) tomorrow and rolled out to meet my bus.
They were a good five minutes early. And I am now home. But you knew that. LoL
There I was, our tutoring session ended, I visited with several tutors, sharing how the session went, and gathered the materials. I had not eaten lunch, so I ran to the teacher’s lounge and made my dinner. I shouldn’t have. Well, not that I shouldn’t have eaten but that was the calm before the storm and I didn’t know it!
I had to organize the new tutor’s assignments and I still had books to get for the kids to read. I realized I had not gotten all of the assignments arranged and I still needed to put the new tutors names on the hanging files. All of sudden it 7 PM and there was no way I’d be finished by my 7:30 PM para transit bus ride. ANd tomorrow before tutoring I have a conference I cannot miss.
I started to panic, my heart was racing.I was imagining having to explain to my supervisor why I didn’t have it done. I was imagining ten new people not knowing where or what they were suppose to do! CALL! Call the bus company.
I grabbed the phone, dialed 310- I thought and I stared at the number pad, remembering the last four numbers. Now my heart was pounding. What if they automatically say no like they did one morning when I wanted a later ride? Emergency! Yes, tell them you have a work emergency and that I can be ready at 8:30!
After saying all of that and a bit more, the dispatcher said, “Let me see if there is someone who can pick the ride up. I listened to pages being ruffled, and she said: Yes, I think so. Let me see if it will work. Then, I heard some kind adding machine or calculator (or something like that). Hmmmm, will it?
YES! She said it will work and that driver would be coming from the north side of town and should be there between 8:30-8:45 PM.Never was I so relieved!
I worked and organized the tutors and the materials and assigned them to students. I got the books ready but I still have one detail to take care tomorrow when I get back from my meeting. It should be alright though.
My bus was almost 20 minutes early but they knew I would be ready and waited.
All I can add is, what a day!
I am hyper and excited. It seems so strange! I am buxy getting my material ready for my kids today (After school tutoring) and I ahead of schedule but still have a lot to do. I have ten new tutors starting tomorrow and I am racing to get my program more organized and ready for the additional people and paperwork. It is actually exiciting to realize the best way to manage things and how to organize my time better.
But I am still hyper and at times I end up staring at my task at hand. I have been successful at getting new tutors in and still more are calling. Yah!! I am not sinking, I am floating and swimming too!
I think this is a turning point of sorts for me. :)
NOW to get back at it!
Now that Monday is almost over, I’m happy! HA Today has been a bear. I had my doctor’s appointment for my leg. More about that in a moment. I got to work just before 10 AM, a far cry from when I usually get there (7:30 AM). I was rushed to get everything done. At 2:30 PM, I realized I had 15 minutes to do several tasks before I was ready to face the crowd- the tutors and the tut-ie (so to speak!). I quickly did the one out of three and ran to meet them.
On Mondays we have the most tutors, so we were almost covered with enough tutors to read individually with the children. Actually, with my tutoring two students, we were able to do so. Yeah! I worked with a sweet boy, who loves, and I mean LOVES to talk. I can understand why my tutor, yesterday, had trouble getting the book read!
I ran to my office after tutoring to make some phone calls to potential tutors. I am really proud that my posting on a volunteer website continues to get people calling about our program. Still, it’s nerve-wracking to wonder when the dozen or so people we need will call and IF we can get that many more! I had a quota of 20 volunteers and I have recruited a few more than that already. Yeah! But we still need 4-6 more tutors a day.
Now, about my leg. As of today, I’ve been given the okay to walk with my crutches. Yeah! I am still using my wheelchair because the halls of my school are freaking long. I am going to start out walking half the day. Though, if I have to go out of my office, everywhere I go is far, so I wonder when I’ll use my crutches. Ugh. I feel so dependent on my wheelchair. It’s almost like I cannot see giving it up. LoL But I am sure as I get stronger, I will want to. And besides, i want to now. It just feels like it’s going to take forever to get strong enough to walk again!
Now, I have to get back down to my laundry. My leg is tired from the few steps I took with my crutches. I don’t want to over-do it. I think I will not be leaning on it when I go down the 15 stairs. The walk is not far into the laundry but my good leg will be tired when I am done!
But Happy Monday, just the same!
Ah Saturdays! Got to love them! After starting every work day at 7 AM last week, it feels so luxurious to sleep in. Of course I wake when I would have gotten up, but the-going-back-to-sleep part is never a problem! Here it is almost noon and I am still being lazy.
My Fridays are nice too. Since my tutoring program is Monday through Thursday, Fridays are relaxed. Also, Fridays are catch-up-on-the-paperwork days.
The only craziness on Friday was a conference call. Well, I didn’t know it was a conference call. The home office (well, it’s the home office of our national service organization) invited us to participate on an on-line discussion. But when I went to the page that they had set up, it told us to call an 800 number if we had problems. Hmmm? Then, we were asked our password (what password?) which was kind of buried in the email. FINALLy, I got connected to the call.
The end of my day was spent doing two reports- one due that day and the other later next week but since both had similiar information, I thought why not get it done! Plus, I handled several calls about volunteers that want to join (yah!) and printed some material for my new tutors. It was a busy two hours before I left but I loved it!
I love it when I leave working feeling productive and happy. :)
I must confess that I am not here much because I don’t know what to share. I want to have fun, witty posts and but my heart isn’t in it. And if I post what I’m feeling, experiencing emotionally, I’ll maybe turn people off. I could understand that.
So, I’m left with posting the weather. Hahaa No, not that bad but I’m still questioning myself and my writing.
But that is how I grew up. Always questioning myself, what I was doing and what I NEEDED to do. Needed to do to keep the peace. Or feel okay. Or just because I was lost otherwise.
so, is it only me? Am I the only one who feels left out from the world? Am I the only one who is experiencing deep fears of connecting? And of not connecting?
I realized tonight that part of me wants to slam the door on the “world”. Trying to fit in and just being is too much. I have the worst chapped hands from the cold and I rub them, almost scratch (don’t dare) them and feel relief from his. Dumb I know. But the reason I do it is I finally feel like I’m reaching the spot that I need to. Finally finding what hurts and doing something about it.
I know I’m getting less and less afraid. The fears are not really based on today. They are based on my life when I was young. The feelings I feel are what would have been felt when I was a child going through my parents disruptive behavior but I cannot remember feeling anything at all.
I know I am learning and I am changing. I know that these fears are less today than yesterday and last week, last month, etc.. That is good. But I want so much more!
Secondly (there was a first? ;) ), I can express these feelings instead of keeping them hidden. But sometimes the fine line of being private and expressing them gets a blurred and I have no. freaking. idea. what to say or do.
Keep learning about myself, is the only answer I have.
I am learning so much right now. I have never been a manger or hired before. Never been in charge of keeping a program organized. Sometimes I think it’s easy and then, I think of the responsibility of it all and I have to think again. Which is a good thing.
Unless the thinking again happens when you’re mid-deep deep in a pile of books, trying to decide which book works with which student and in walks your tutor. Your tutor, whom you’ve asked to come because she wants to observe the tutoring process. And, you all of sudden think: “Oh, yeah, we don’t have tutoring on Fridays!”
L was very gracious and I suppose she could see the surprise in my face as I told her but it was an odd moment (one I don’t want to repeat!). I’m learning how to interview people, thinking about how to say no to a potential tutor when they do not seem reliable (actually did not have to go through with that because the tutor did not show up AGAIN Phew!), and learning to appreciate the kind people who are coming and saying yes to tutoring with us. Yeah!
Most of all I am learning about myself. It seems like this moment, this job and responsibility has been a long time coming. So many starts and stops, accomplishments and disappointments along the way, I almost didn’t think it’d come.
I am learning to trust my instincts. I am learning how to trust people around me. The support I have at my school is allowing me to believe I can ask for help and not feel bad if they have to say no. I’ve made a few potential friends there. People who may have time for me and have reached out a bit. That feels good but still makes me wary.
For so long my friends have either been long-distance from past times or friends with families and obligations with little time for anything outside of work. I don’t know if these new friends fit this latter category or not but there is potential still. Plus, I have a mini-crush on a guy. LoL I don’t know much about him and I don’t usually run into him- though there is a chance I will I will blog more about him if there is anything to blog about. LoL I’ll just say this, as a way of putting out positive vibes…
It’s nice to know he is out there. :)